learning to love in real life

it’s subtle but true

Lauren — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 06:15:37 +0000

Saying ‘he was an emotional abusive parent’ is quite different than saying ‘he was emotionally abusive to me’. The former allows for a distance between the pain and the speaker; the latter confronts the speaker with no apology.

then he opened his mouth

Lauren — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 06:47:35 +0000

But I’m not attracted to him. I’m very aware of that fact and yet…it’s tempting. Why not date casually and give it a chance? Why not have fun for a little bit? Here’s where the danger begins – Maybe if we dated he would grow on me. He would be a fantastic (boyfriend, husband, etc); why not give it a try?

Those are my own words from not so very long ago. And then I promised the whole story…so here it goes.

Gregory and I continued hanging out in social settings. It took a bit of time, but I realized that I really did like the guy, though still in a ‘not going to date you’ way. He was still pursuing me so I finally text him one Tuesday and asked him to meet me for coffee.

I sat across the table and laid, line upon line, the boundaries that needed to exist if we were to remain friends. “I’m not dating, I’m not interested in dating, if it feels like a date that’s not okay” may have been some of the phrases I threw out. I was completely resolute and unwavering…

…until he opened his mouth. After being rejected, he was sincere and honest – and honoring. There was no malice or defensiveness in his response; he opened up about where his heart was and why, and how he would respect every boundary but still be there despite my response.

As I listened to what he said I found myself thinking “Why am I saying no to this man?” And there was no answer.

well.crap

I went home and told my roommate/good friend about the conversation. She heard the wavering in my voice – ‘If he, of all people, gets you to change your mind you’ll definitely marry him.’

funny.but.not.helpful

So I called upon the one person who was certain to be on my side – a dear friend who had previously shared my impression of this loud, extroverted man. Granted, she had gotten to know him after she married his best friend, but I was still assured that she would understand and talk me out of this craziness.

Here’s about how it went:

So we’re here to talk about Gregory, right? He really likes you but I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. You know how I used to feel about him; now I really like the guy. What can I say? He grows on you like a fungus. [insert 10 minutes of processing out loud] Wait a second! [insert squeal] You should definitely date him! I’m on Team Gregory and we’re going to have shirts made!

My one ally deserted me over the course of lunch at Cheesecake Factory. That was the Friday after our coffee not-date.

The final straw came the following Monday. It was a terrible day at work; everything that could go wrong did. I was overwhelmed, stressed and angry. As 5 o’clock got closer, I thought about how I had nothing to do that night. I would go home and continue to fume about the day. I needed to be distracted by something fun and enjoyable…and I thought of Gregory. At the end of my long, hard day I wanted to spend time with this man I was adamant about not dating.

well.shoot

It was all but done at that point. He took me out on our first date that Thursday and it was good. So he has continued with the dates and I’ve continued with the attraction.

The rest will sort itself out (or not, I suppose). In the mean time I’m watching my heart grow, listening to God and thoroughly enjoying this man.

what I learned (part I)

Lauren — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 03:09:14 +0000

I have spent much of the last two weeks thinking about my parents’ marriage and subsequent divorce(s). It started innocently enough; Gregory and I were discussing Todd Bentley’s divorce and recent marriage to the woman with whom he committed adultery. It hit pretty close to home, but I’ve had countless conversations about family and divorce over the last decade so I didn’t think much of it.

sometimes.i’m.an.idiot

Here’s a glimpse into what has been lurking in the background of my thoughts:

I grew up with broken parents who were in a broken marriage. My life with one parent existed only in the context of angry interactions; the other provided for all physical needs but was emotionally exhausted.

The day before I began 8th grade my parents told us my father was moving out. Divorce wasn’t certain and we were still a family but he wasn’t going to live with us for a while. Thus began an eight year process that involved more moving in/out events than I care to remember and (not one but) two divorces.

Everything around us was constantly in a state of flux. The definition of our family constantly changed, sometimes with no warning. I was never sure if he would continue living with us; when he did, no one really knew if things were better or if we were just supposed to pretend they were.

I was the quiet kid who watched everything. I learned a lot too.

I learned that what was meant to be selfless and committed love was selfish and flaky. Asking for what had been promised, hoping for affection and waiting for change was like grasping at a cold and bitter wind.

I learned how to avoid rocking the boat. It was better to leave things unsaid than face the possibility of another’s anger or disappointment.

I learned that the cost of relying on others was far too high to justify the risk. Anything someone else gives could be gained (albeit with more work) alone.

I made quite a few decisions about life worked.

I’m not worth the time and energy that love requires.
No one is trustworthy, especially those who should be.
I can exist without letting anyone get close enough to see who I am or what I feel.
Relationships aren’t really good…
…which is fine, because I will always find a way to make it on my own.

Those things shaped my life for more than two decades.

not quite there yet

Lauren — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:59:37 +0000

I’m not like Jesus. It may have been clearly evident in my last post but I need to acknowledge it *out loud*.I was rightfully angry but I sinned in my response. Trusting the Lord is something I talk about quite a bit; my actions and thoughts often reveal an opposite reality. Trusting God in this situation meant

Understanding that this wasn’t my battle to fight – it was Gregory’s
Remembering/believing that this man is absolutely crazy about me and has no desire to harm or disrespect me
Knowing that if this woman caused Gregory to break up with me God has something good (yea better) for me
Asking God to bless and take care of her…the hardest one of them all

I’ve come around to the first three; the last is still somewhat elusive. The ability to pray for and bless my enemies seems so…backwards. I’ll get there.

I’m sure of it.

them be fighting words

Lauren — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 07:38:09 +0000

Tonight my boyfriend told me what he thought was a funny story.

Don’t ask me who it was because I won’t tell you (I immediately knew who it was and what the story was to be about). A girl came up to me at the end of the intercession set tonight and said “I know you’re dating Lauren, but if you guys break up you should come talk to me.”

Yep, really happened.

After spending two hours in the prayer room connecting with the heart of the Lord for Israel, this *unnamed* person thought that it was completely reasonable, okay and not all questionable to tell my boyfriend that she’s attracted to him and she’s waiting in the wings should he happen to be available in the near future. And no, none of us have been teenagers for years. In her case it’s been nearly a decade.

Tonight I wrote a little note to Jesus.

Dear Jesus:

The next time I see Channon Kuigly* I will either: be as nice as possible so as to shame her into realizing what a pathetic, manipulative little shit she is or, punch her in the face.

Which would you prefer? Because one of them will happen.

Sometime tomorrow I’ll repent.

Tonight I’m just angry.

*Name has been adjusted slightly to protect the stupid.

love for 22 Words

Lauren — Tue, 19 May 2009 17:19:14 +0000

There’s a fabulous site that I check regularly – all of the posts are 22 words, and from time to time those words pierce deeply. Today, for example:

Self-applying the term Jesus follower for accuracy or lexical variety is good.

Doing it to distance yourself from other Christians is cowardly.

Check it out here.

the good life?

Lauren — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:23:15 +0000

I’m officially dating the boy (his real name is Gregory). Which leads me to this…

What do I want my life to look like? And why do I want that life?

I grew up in a upper-middle class family. Every decision my parents made was unto their children turning into college graduates with high paying careers. I added to that vision – a career I love (irregardless of the salary), a husband with a career, children and pets, a house with a yard and maybe a new car every 10 years or so.

how.american.dream.of.me

Problem is, I think the American dream and Jesus’ idea of good are very different things. That doesn’t necessarily make my vision wrong but it does make me question it.

Do I want those things because it’s what I grew up with? Because I don’t want to deal with a life outside of that neat, simple box? Would I be willing to lay down my dream if the Lord asked it of me? Would I trust Him enough to do such a thing?

But here’s the big one: how do I know? I dated Matthias, I dated Laurent, I’m dating Gregory – eventually I’ll marry one of the people I date. At that time I’ll set a path for the rest of my life. How do I know it’s the path God wants for me?

someday I’ll tell you the whole story

Lauren — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:35:29 +0000

Until that day comes I shall simply say this:

Remember that boy named Joe? I’m pretty sure I’m going to date him.

what’s a girl to do?

Lauren — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 06:11:59 +0000

A few months ago I became friends with a boy named *Joe*. He’s a loud Irish, Jewish New Yorker – every introverts nightmare.

I.am.a.model.introvert

And yet we’re now friends.

Last week he asked me out on a date. I told him that one-on-ones aren’t an option for me right now. We’ve continued randomly texting and hanging out in groups since then. Last week we played a board game (oh Settlers of Catan how I love thee) with our friends. Fun times, not awkward at all…until everyone else was in a different room and this mini-interaction occurred at 2am:

Me: I had this great plan tonight – go to bed at a reasonable time, sleep in a little bit, get up and get some work done. That’s definitely not going to happen. It was such a good plan.

Joe: Well, I had a plan to not call or text a certain someone as much but that hasn’t worked out either. The best laid plans of mice and men, right?

Me: (awkward silence – my penchant for witty banter dies around 1:45am)

In that moment my dearest friend’s wisdom came to mind – “Nothing good happens between single men and women after midnight.”

This post could be about boundaries and the best way to honor my friend and his heart; instead it’s about (the fear of) settling. Joe is a great guy. He is going to be a fabulous husband and father. He loves God sincerely and openly. He’s kind and considerate. He goes out of his way to serve and asks nothing in return. He treats me like few people have before. I have thought about all of those things in the last week.

But I’m not attracted to him. I’m very aware of that fact and yet…it’s tempting. Why not date casually and give it a chance? Why not have fun for a little bit? Here’s where the danger begins – Maybe if we dated he would grow on me. He would be a fantastic (boyfriend, husband, etc); why not give it a try?

Really? Isn’t that just using him to settle something that’s already settled in my heart?

As my facebook status currently says: I need to stop being selfish. Immediately. Also need to be less of a jerk.

the man with the cello

Lauren — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 05:41:17 +0000

In high school I had a (boy)friend who had a cello. He played that girl like a master, and he liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He was perfect.in.many.ways. I liked him, and found out later out that he liked me; by that time we were both living in other cities.

Thanks to the glory of the internet I was still able to cross all sorts of boundaries in my relationship with him: flirting, cybersex, masturbating, the whole bit. It went on for a few years; I always felt guilty but I also loved it. He wanted me and I really loved it.

Until the day I cut off all contact with him. I still loved it but I hated what happened each time I gave myself over to him. That was probably a year and a half ago.

Yesterday he popped up in my ‘People You May Know’ box on facebook. I’ve been staring at his name for the last 48 hours, really wanting to add him to my friends; he is, despite my sin, a friend whom I care about. I would love to have some idea of what he’s doing and say hi every once in a while. Except…

What if the hi started to shift? What if I flirted and it turned into something else? Am I actually strong and seeking righteousness, or did I just patch up my weakness by removing the temptation?

And so I continue staring.